March 02 2026, 08:15 
President Donald Trump transmitted his State of the Union address in a call home to his planet of Earth II. That planet will soon be renamed Planet Trump in honor of its primary resident and king.
We know that Trump intended his State of the Union address for his home planet rather than for those of us here on Earth I, because the address had no actual basis in fact that connected to the realities here on the ground.
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I have become fluent in the language spoken on Earth II, which is a cross between Doublespeak and Psychological Projection called DubProj. I will attempt to translate excerpts of Trump’s address for residents of Earth I who are unfamiliar with his native DubProj language.
Because there is a vast difference in the speed at which time passes here on Earth I with that on Earth II – an address of one hour and 47 minutes on Earth I is equivalent to approximately 13 minutes and 42 seconds on Earth II. So, in the interests of space and time, I will only translate important excerpts from the address, which I placed in italics.
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WASHINGTON, D.C., President Donald Trump’s State of the Union address delivered in DubProj on Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2026, as translated into Earth I, U.S. English by Dr. Warren J. Blumenfeld.
(Earth II) Speaker Johnson, (Earth II) Vice President Vance, (Earth II) first lady of the United States, (Earth II) econd lady of the United States, members of Congress (some who are residents of Earth II while others are grounded residents of Earth I) – and my (Earth II and Earth I) fellow (and female) Americans, our nation is back: Bigger, better, richer and stronger than ever before (which I, Donald John Trump, know is a flat out lie.)
Less than five months from now, our country will celebrate an epic milestone in American history, the 250th anniversary of our glorious American independence… And we’ve seen nothing yet (coming from my administration that adds to that glory).
We’re going to do better and better and better (but only if you are among the super-rich, and if you are not, then I wish good luck to you). This is the golden age of America (as seen with all the tacky gold-plated tchotchkes I have hung throughout the imperial Russian-style White House).
When I spoke in this chamber 12 months ago, I had just inherited a nation in crisis (a nation that was successfully coming out of the COVID pandemic), with a stagnant (recovering and vibrant) economy (that was the envy of the world), inflation at record levels (at 2.2% annually, which is actually .2% lower than it is today at 2.4% under my presidency), a wide-open border (my extreme exaggeration to scare you and turn you against the “other”), horrendous recruitment for military and police (another exaggeration to scare you against the “other” coming to steal from and hurt you), rampant crime at home (while, in fact, at the end of President Biden’s term in 2024, crime rates had dropped to the lowest levels since 1969) and wars and chaos all over the world (which I said would never have started if I had been President and which I promised during my campaign that I would end on day one, which were both a bunch of macho bravado that I could never live up to).
But tonight, after just one year, I can say with dignity (which I never had) and pride (which I have an overabundance of for no apparent reason) that we have achieved a transformation like no one has ever seen before (since it does not exist except for a partial transformation to a fascist dictatorship) and a turnaround (devolution) for the ages (1920s Italy and 1930s Germany).
Today our border is secure, our spirit is restored (but only if you are among the super-rich and among the corporate classes who enjoy a deregulated market that fleeces the middle and working classes, further pollutes the environment, favors toxic fossil fuels while restricting clean technology innovation, damages our healthcare systems, spins conspiracy theories involving vaccines, villainizes and uses trans people as my political pawns, controls people’s reproductive rights, attempts to turn back marriage equality, perpetuates xenophobia, demonizes human and civil rights protections and diversity equity and inclusion programs in educational, business, and government institutions, and the list of abuses is endless against the people of the United States of America on Earth I)…
Inflation is plummeting (not here on Earth I, which we can see every time we go grocery shopping, looking to rent or buy an apartment, home, automobile, or major appliance), incomes are rising fast (maybe on Earth II but on Earth I), the roaring economy is roaring like never before (like a small one day old kitten), our enemies are scared (really, as they see us weakened and without alliances due to my so-called “America First” false flag policies), our military and police are stacked, and America is respected again, perhaps like never before (translated as we have lost the respect and good will that we had earned during and following WWII).
In the past nine months, zero illegal aliens (I call them “aliens” in an attempt to dehumanize people who are seeking a better life for themselves and their families, some of whom are trying to escape the terrors of their native lands) have been admitted to the United States….
(But I will not talk about the horrors ICE officers have perpetrated on undocumented immigrants who have been respected model neighbors and have worked diligently for many years as well as documented U.S. citizens who have been terrorized, whose homes, businesses, and schools have been teargassed, raided, who have been arrested, incarcerated in unsanitary prison facilities, many who have been shipped like cargo to mass detention centers, and some deported to countries other than their native lands, and some shot on the spot in places like Minneapolis for doing nothing more than observing and trying to help those who have been abused by ICE).
But we will always allow people to come in legally (especially white people from South Africa and any young blond woman from Scandinavia, and, in particular, from Norway), people that will love our country and will work hard to maintain our country (as the white supremacist, heterosexual, cisgender, Christian nationalist country our Protestant God intended it to be).
(Speaking about Norway, I still hate those older, uglier Norwegians who haven’t yet given me the Nobel Peace Prize, which I definitely deserve because I think I actually fooled them into believing that I ended 9 wars in the first year of my second term.)
Deadly fentanyl across our border is down by a record 56% in one year (in fact, down in 2025 for the third year in a row – two years under Biden — fentanyl seizures dropped 28.6% from 2023. In other words, the downward trend began under Biden’s presidency).
In the last year, the murder rate saw its single largest decline in recorded history (beginning the downward rate under the Biden administration)….
The Biden administration and its allies in Congress gave us the worst inflation in the history of our country (since I don’t read, I didn’t know that the worst inflation rates were in the World War I years of 1917-1920 between 15.24% – 17.84%; 1947 at 14.39%; and 1980 at 13.55%. As corrected previously, during Biden’s last year in office, inflation was at 2.2% annually, which is actually .2% lower than it is today at 2.4% under my presidency).
But in 12 months, my administration has driven core inflation down to the lowest level in more than five years (which I may or may not have known is a blatant lie as is my claim of fraud in the presidential election of 2020. But as my mentor, Joseph Goebbels, Nazi Propaganda Minister, had taught me: “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”)….
And lower interest rates will solve the Biden-created housing problem, while at the same time protecting the values of those people who already own a house that really feel rich for the first time in their lives.
(The truth is that though I love to blame Joe Biden for anything that is going wrong in my presidency, the so-called “housing crisis” began under the George W. Bush administration in many regions when the real estate bubble became the impetus for the subprime mortgage crisis.)
(President Biden “called on Congressional Republicans to end years of inaction and pass legislation to lower costs by providing a $10,000 tax credit for first-time homebuyers and people who sell their starter homes; build and renovate more than 2 million homes; and lower rental costs. President Biden also announced new steps to lower homebuying and refinancing closing costs and crack down on corporate actions that rip off renters.”)
The stock market has set 53 all-time record highs since the election (but you probably already know that what is good for Wall Street is not always good for Main Street. In other words, the Stock Market does not necessarily reflect the general economy. Stocks might be rising, but the people often do not reap the gains since most people do not own stocks).
Think of that, one year, boosting pensions, 401Ks, and retirement accounts for the millions and the millions of Americans, they’re all gaining. Everybody is up, way up (well, I mean, the richest are way up).
In four long years, the last administration got less than $1 trillion in new investment in the United States. And when I say less, substantially less. In 12 months, I secured commitments for more than $18 trillion pouring in from all over the globe (which the CATO Institute declares is pure hogwash).
(“Broader domestic investment figures were similarly unspectacular last year, particularly in the manufacturing sector that Trump is targeting: “growth of US fixed investment in plant and equipment was relatively weak last year. … Real investment has been rapidly falling in manufacturing structures (factories)—the opposite of the President’s familiar justification for high and erratic tariffs on imported manufactured goods to ‘rebuild American manufacturing’.”)
Now we are the hottest country anywhere in the world (so “hot” that no country wants to touch us or depend on us because I have turned our country into an unreliable trading, investment, and alliance partner.)
Nobody can believe what they’re watching (that’s certainly true since it’s pure fantasy.) American oil production is up by more than 600,000 barrels a day. And we just received from our new friend and partner (by physical force and theft), Venezuela, more than 80 million barrels of oil.
American natural gas production is at an all-time high. Because I kept my promise to drill, baby, drill (while I continue my quest to totally destroy the environment on Earth I as I escape to the breathable air and potable water on my native Earth II, soon to be known as Planet Trump).
We ended DEI in America (which is in line with my overarching patriarchal, hetero- and cis-national, Christian white supremacist agenda.) We cut a record number of job-killing regulations (resulting in the deteriorating health and well-being of all living things on Earth I), and in one year, we have lifted (forced)2.4 million Americans – a record – off of food stamps (resulting in an increase in childhood hunger leading to lower educational outcomes and lower health of our nation’s children).
Last year, I urged this Congress to begin the mission by passing the largest tax cuts (for the wealthiest among us, including myself and all of my rich Mar-a-Lago pals) in American history, and our Republican majorities delivered so beautifully (translated as “so frighteningly or else I would have them primaried”). Thank you, Republicans (for submitting under pressure).
All Democrats, every single one of them, voted against these really important and very necessary massive tax cuts (for the rich). They wanted large-scale tax increases to hurt the people (no, only for the rich and for corporations to pay their fair share), instead. But we held strong (inflexible).
One of the primary reasons for our country’s stunning economic turnaround, the biggest in history — where the Dow Jones broke 50,000 four years ahead of schedule, and the S&P hit 7,000, where it wasn’t supposed to do it for many years — were tariffs.
I used these tariffs, took in hundreds of billions of dollars to make great deals for our country, both economically and on a national security basis. Everything was working well (for me). Countries that were ripping us off for decades are now paying us hundreds of billions of dollars (though every reputable economist I have spoken with keeps arguing that tariffs are paid by the importers who pass these on to consumers creating increased taxes for everyone).
They were ripping us so badly. You all know that? Everybody knows it. Even the Democrats know it (though it was not other countries doing the ripping off; it was my lousy understanding of economic theory and policy).
They just don’t want to say it. And yet these countries are now happy (about what I don’t know) and so are we. We made deals (translated as “extortions”) — the deals are all done, and they’re happy (I know I’m lying here).
They’re not making money like they used to. But we’re making a lot of money. There was no inflation, tremendous growth. And the big story was how Donald Trump called the economy correctly, and 22 Nobel Prize winners in economics didn’t (actually, they won Nobel Prizes for literature and physics).
And as time goes by, I believe the tariffs, paid for by foreign countries (my blatant lie), will, like in the past, substantially replace the modern-day system of income tax, taking a great financial burden off the people that I love. (And if you believe that, then I have some great and special crypto coins to sell you.)
And for all of these reasons, I say tonight, members of Congress, the state of our Union is strong (if you are already very wealthy, and if you hold powerful positions in industry and government. And this is particularly true with my tech bros who love me and who ingratiate me in my constant quest to enrich myself and my family as I pretend to care about the American people).
(I fully admit, though, that I definitely don’t care about the traitorous Democrats, all Samalis and people from all the other sh**hole countries, trans people whom I use as my pawns to make people fearful and angry so I can pull them into my sphere of influence, and anyone else who opposes me.)
(And though I am awarding some service members their Medals of Honor tonight, I still think that anyone dumb enough to enlist or get drafted is a sucker and a loser. I did truly love talking tonight about the blood and guts they shed during their service. I enjoyed that some people referred to this as my love of “blood porn.” Maybe they are right as long as it’s not my blood and guts.)
Our country is winning again. In fact, we’re winning so much that we really don’t know what to do about it. People are asking me, please, please, please, Mr. President, we’re winning too much. We can’t take it anymore. We’re not used to winning in our country until you came along, we’re just always losing.
(You know that no one ever said that to me. It’s simply another one of these stories that I make up to justify my actions and behavior. For I am simply an actor, an entertainer, a con artist who has no business “acting” as the President of the United States. But I sure fooled you. And I will get away with fleecing the country of billions of dollars and distracting people away from my, well, transgressions in business, politics, and in my sexual pleasures. Hey, maybe I really am the “stable genius” that I purport to be. Maybe it is true that “only I can fix it.” And to top off the con, I just announced J.D. Vance as my “Fraud Czar.” What a hypocritical hoot!)
Thank you. (Protestant) God bless you and (Protestant) God bless America.
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