When I was 13, I had a crush on one of the cutest boys in school. His name was Kyle*, and he was everything most girls liked in a boy at that age: popular, tall, and athletic with a great set of abs. Even though I was popular and athletic myself, I was also a short, semi-chubby boy who didn’t know they were actually a trans girl, so of course, I thought Kyle was out of my league. 

One day, Kyle approached me and told me he liked me. I was stupefied, to say the least. But more than anything, I was excited. This is it, I thought. Not only was I finally getting a shot at love, but I was getting that shot with the most popular boy in school. It was every teenage girl’s dream.

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A week later, a girl from my grade told me that she didn’t appreciate me hovering around her boyfriend. I don’t remember the rest of that conversation, but I do know that was the day I discovered Kyle not only had a girlfriend but that he never really liked me. In fact, Kyle professing his feelings for me was nothing but a cruel joke — a bet between him and his friends to see who could make the silly little queer kid fall in love with them first.

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Being asked out as a joke is something all types of kids experience growing up. One could argue that it happens so often that it could be seen as a twisted rite of passage. For decades, it has been used by many kids as a consequence of losing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. According to Urban Dictionary, the entire concept is called the Oreo Game. 

But for those of us on the receiving end of the fake affections, it isn’t a game at all; it is an emotionally devastating attack on our looks, gender identity, sexual orientation, and/or inherent otherness. This “game” can easily become a catalyst for future trust and self-esteem issues.

Rock, Paper, Shame

I recently searched being asked out as a joke on TikTok and found a plethora of skits and commentary by people of all races, identities, and orientations who endured it and grew up to have trust issues, low self-esteem, or both. 

One gender fluid 19 year old posted a video that declared, “I will never believe a compliment on my looks from a man because I was a repeated victim of the ‘oreo’ game in middle school.” The caption goes on to say, “It ruined my self-esteem for so many years.” 

When I saw this video, I was curious about whether other trans people had similar experiences, so I went on a quest to find out.

Samantha, a 25-year-old transgender woman, told LGBTQ Nation about the origins of her struggles with letting people in.

“I was 12 the first time a guy asked me out as a joke. I didn’t like him, but I was open to it because he was kinda cute, and this was the first time a guy liked me. One of my classmates told me the only reason he asked me out was because he lost a game of rock, paper, scissors, and they thought it would be funny to ask the ‘gay kid’ out. Now anytime a guy shows interest in me, I always reject them before they have a chance to reject me because I don’t believe anyone could actually like me.”

Siya, a 23-year-old who identifies as genderqueer, shared a similar experience.

“I was asked out as a joke in grade 8 by one of the popular boys in my school. This was over a decade ago, but the embarrassment I felt stayed with me. To this day, I don’t know why he did what he did. Even though I know I’m attractive and worked hard for the body I have now, I still don’t trust men who claim to like me. I wish I could, but my mind always goes back to grade 8. When the whole thing happened, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to experience that sort of humiliation ever again.”

Siya, Samantha and I are all victims of recurring offenses, and based on the conversations taking place on on TikTok, this is true for many of us. 

If one incident is devastating, it is not hard to imagine what multiple incidents can do to a person — especially a young queer kid who is trying to find their identity and place in the world. 

Whenever I’m approached by a man in public, my first instinct is to look around to see if there’s a group of people watching. I get anxious and can’t help but assume I’m being punked.

My other instinct is to make myself difficult to get to know. In my head, if a guy makes it past all the obstacles I’ve placed before him, then he must really like me. Why else would he jump through so many hoops? 

Humor as a mask

It may seem dramatic to react and behave this way when both of the times I was asked out as a joke were over 13 years ago, but the truth is both of those incidents left me with chronic self-doubt that I’m afraid I’ll never fully be able to shake.

According to Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist who specializes in bullying, “Being asked out as a joke can have deep psychological impacts, particularly for someone who identifies as queer… The act can trigger feelings of shame and self-doubt, reinforcing internalized homophobia and causing pervasive anxiety about genuine social interactions. The trauma from such an event can linger, affecting their self-esteem, emotional well-being, and future relationships.”

One doesn’t need to be an “empath” to know that asking someone out as a joke is cruel and that it can negatively affect a person’s psychological well-being. Yet people (mostly guys) partake in this well into adulthood. So if the pain is so obvious to most of us, why do people do it?

According to Tse, “Young boys and men might be inspired to ask someone queer out as a joke due to a mix of societal pressures and lack of understanding about diverse sexual identities. Such actions often stem from insecurity or peer influence, where they use humor to mask their discomfort or confusion about queerness. This behavior might also be a misguided attempt to conform to harmful stereotypes or group dynamics that ridicule what they don’t comprehend.”

Dr. Mary Poffenroth, a biopsychologist and author of Brave New You, adds that the incentive for young boys to ask someone out as a joke is a product of their “developing brain’s strong desire for attention and approval from peers.” 

“Making a joke at someone else’s expense can cause dopamine release linked to social approval because the reward system in the adolescent brain is extremely sensitive to social feedback,” she explained. “The behavior may be reinforced by this neurochemical reward, increasing the likelihood that it will be repeated. This can result in poor decision-making without fully considering the impact on others because the prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of impulse control and long-term consequences, is still developing.”

Do good intentions really matter?

Many people on TikTok who played the Oreo Game growing up admitted that they had no intentions of hurting the people they asked out. In fact, some perpetrators reported that they would make it abundantly clear to the victim that their advances were insincere and begged the victim to say no. 

Be that as it may, having no intention of hurting someone doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t end up hurt. Nor does it absolve you from any pain that you caused. Drunk drivers don’t mean to cause accidents, but that doesn’t make the impact of their poor decision-making any less severe.

We have the information and means to raise a generation of kids that are more aware and empathetic towards queer kids as a whole, so cruel jokes like these don’t happen. Let’s all help trans kids develop a healthy self-esteem that allows them to welcome love in.

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