Every child eventually becomes curious about where they come from. While their school’s human growth and development class might cover the basics of egg meets sperm, they don’t often include information about the many ways families are made. 

So how do you explain to your child that you sought out a sperm donor for their conception? How do you tell them you needed a surrogate to carry them to term? How will kids react to this information? 

Related

What the sperm banks won’t tell you: Inside the shocking world of donor conception
A growing coalition of donors, donor-conceived people, and recipient parents are fighting for change in an industry wrought with ethical issues.

To help facilitate these important conversations, LGBTQ Nation spoke with Dr. Jeannette R. Craigfeld, a clinical psychologist specializing in LGBTQ+ issues, and Rebecca Minor, LCSW, gender specialist and the author of the forthcoming book Raising Trans Youth: What to Expect When You Weren’t Expecting This. 

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LGBTQ Nation: When is the best time to start talking about donor or surrogate conception with your child?

Rebecca Minor: Children thrive when their story is shared from a young age in simple, age-appropriate ways, allowing it to feel like a natural part of their identity rather than a surprising or overwhelming revelation later on. Introducing the idea in toddler years — by talking about the many different ways families are formed — can prevent it from feeling like a secret or something to be ashamed of.

How should parents approach the topic with their kids?

Dr. Jeannette R. Craigfeld: Starting from a young age, you can introduce the topic by exposing them to children’s books about donor/surrogate conception, as well as children’s books about different structures of families in general. These books can help normalize the experience for your child and also give parents more language for how to explain it. You can continue to come back to these books as your child gets older, and over time you’ll typically see that they start asking questions about it as they get older and are able to understand more specifics. 

The explanation for your child can start very simple and straightforward. Something along the lines of, “Babies are made when an egg and sperm come together inside of a uterus, which is in the belly. Some families are able to have an egg, uterus, and sperm to make a baby. But some families aren’t able to make a baby that way, so they have to ask for help from someone called a donor/surrogate so they can make a baby. That’s what we did to make you—a nice donor/surrogate was able to give us their egg/sperm (or carry you in their uterus/belly) so we could make you. We were so excited to meet you!” 

It’s important to give space for questions and to follow their lead on these conversations as they set the pace. You can also offer to give them as much information on the donor/surrogate as you have if they show interest in knowing more about them.

What about in cases where siblings were each conceived in different ways?

Minor: When siblings are conceived in different ways, it’s important to frame these differences as natural and equally meaningful paths to parenthood. Kids might ask, “Why did you need help to have me but not my sibling?” or “Why do I have a different biological parent than my brother/sister?” Parents can respond with something like, “Every child’s story is unique, and each of you came into our family in a special way. We needed different kinds of help, but we wanted and loved all of you the same.”

For children who were adopted or conceived in a previous relationship, they might wonder, “Why don’t I have the same parents as my sibling?” or “Why didn’t I grow in your belly like they did?” 

Parents can emphasize that family isn’t just about biology but about love and commitment: 

“Families can be made in lots of different ways, and what makes us a family is how much we care for each other.” It’s helpful to acknowledge their feelings and questions without making one story seem more “normal” than another. 

Parents should also be prepared for questions from kids about their peers’ families. Siblings may ask, “Will people understand why we have different stories?” In these cases, encourage openness: “Every family is different, and we can share only what we feel comfortable sharing. What matters is that we’re a family that loves each other.” Ultimately, the goal is to celebrate the uniqueness of each child’s story while reinforcing that they are all equally loved and wanted. Creating an environment where kids feel safe asking questions helps them process these differences in a healthy way.

What should parents do if their child wants to meet their donor/surrogate?

Craigfeld: Meeting the donor/surrogate is an issue that should be focused on the child’s own interest and needs and should again be taken at their pace. Not every donor/surrogate conceived child feels the same about this. Some children will be interested in meeting their donor/surrogate, others may have no interest at all, and still others may feel ambiguous or conflicted about it. If the child wants to meet their donor/surrogate, it’s important to give them the space to explore this important part of them and make sure they don’t feel like they need to protect your feelings about it as their parent.

For children who aren’t able to meet their donor/surrogate, they may have feelings of loss about this. It’s important to give them space to acknowledge and express some of those feelings of grief. They may find it helpful to work through these feelings in therapy or by joining groups for other donor/surrogate conceived children who can sympathize with their experience. I also encourage parents to create a binder or scrapbook about the donor/surrogate where they collect all of the information they have about the donor/surrogate that the child can look through and learn as much about their donor/surrogate as they can. 

Additionally, children who were conceived by an anonymous donor who have given to multiple families can join the Donor Sibling Registry. This can be another way to connect with people who are genetically related to them if they cannot get in contact with their donor.

Minor: Curiosity about meeting a donor or surrogate is completely natural, and caregivers should respond with openness and empathy. If a meeting is possible, parents can play an active role in facilitating that connection while ensuring the child feels emotionally prepared.

In situations where meeting the donor or surrogate isn’t an option — whether due to privacy, distance, or other circumstances — it’s important to acknowledge and validate the child’s feelings of curiosity or loss. Parents might say, “It’s perfectly okay to wonder about them, and I wish we could help you meet them. What we do know is that they wanted to help us create our family, and that’s something really special.” 

This kind of response offers reassurance while emphasizing that their family is whole, loved, and complete as it is. 

Additional resources for navigating conversations about donor/surrogate conception

“My Donor Story” series by Sharon Leya
“You’re a Good Swimmer” by Christopher Rivas
“The Pea That Was Me” series by Kimberly Kluger-Bell
“You Began as a Wish” by Kim Bergman
Zak’s Safari: A Story about Donor-Conceived Kids of Two-Mom Families by Christie Tyner
“What Makes a Baby” by Cory Silverberg
“Making a Baby” by Rachel Greener
“Three Makes Baby” by Jana Rupnow (for parents raising donor-conceived children)

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